What Crisis Counseling Taught Me about Caregiving and Grieving My Father

by Sherry Chua

In my final semester of completing my degree in Crisis Counseling, my father was suddenly diagnosed with an aggressive cancer. It was completely unexpected, and my family and I were immediately in the throes of around-the-clock hospital and home care. My elderly mother has several disabilities, so I was appointed to be my father’s Primary Decision Maker. I recognized that the stakes were very high, so I had to ensure that I myself was mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually able to uphold my responsibilities with clarity and stability. As my Christian therapist once told me,

“With so many people counting on you, you can’t afford to not take care of yourself.”

I was very fortunate to have my crisis counseling courses fresh in my head at the time. Right before we heard the diagnoses, I had just finished assignments on incorporating God and faith into the counseling process, calming exercises, understanding grief, and practical crisis protocols. I just didn’t anticipate they would be put into practice so soon. As I reflect on this season of uncertainty and unpredictability, I can say with confidence that my outlook on life is hopeful and full of newfound strength. I want to share how, what, and who really helped me navigate through one of the hardest seasons of my life.

I undoubtedly drew the most comfort seeing my father’s faith in Jesus bring him such steadiness and hope while he endured his illness. He kept telling me that Jesus loves him and he knows he’s in good hands. He even shared about his faith with quite literally everyone who walked into his hospital room. He often tried to make us and his nursing team laugh, sang songs with us, and expressed a lot of gratitude for every little thing. My father strongly set the tone for my family on how to stay anchored in joy and trust in an otherwise scary time.

My father’s health issues were incredibly delicate. With severe breathing issues, even a single minute unattended would have been dangerous. My husband, my sister, and I decided to take turns rotating being by his side throughout the days and nights. With the uncertainty of when my father would be discharged, we had to be strategic on how to provide endurance for the three of us. We spent weeks in the rhythm of 12-16-hour shifts rotating between us. This is where my crisis counseling studies really got put to use.

As I mentioned, the stakes were high, so how did I move forward with clarity and stability? Similar to airline safety protocol of putting on the oxygen mask on yourself before helping others, I had to do likewise. In no particular order, here is what helped me navigate the challenges:

Keep Some Sense of Normal

While in a time like this, life seems to have turned upside down, it’s really, really important for one’s stability to try to keep some sense of “normal”. This is not to dismiss the reality or gravity of a tough situation, but our mind and body need something familiar and consistent to anchor to in order to regulate and experience stability. For my kids, it meant going to school, playing with their favorite activities, and seeing their friends. For me, it looked like making my favorite morning tea, going to church, and continuing with my go-to exercises.

Exercise

Even with long 12 to 16-hour shifts staying by my dad at the hospital, I scheduled and planned to exercise. I was exhausted, but I knew I’d be more exhausted if I let all that cortisol stay and compound in my body. My studies showed how critical it is to dissipate cortisol out of my body through movement, sweating, and safe levels of increased heart rate. This significantly regulates the body’s nervous system and brain function. Not exercising would decrease my ability to regulate my mood, energy, and impair my ability to manage a fight-or-flight response. So, sometimes I’d go straight to the skating rink after the hospital or jump on my rebounder at home. (Disclaimer: This is not tailored advice. Please see your primary healthcare provider for approved exercises that best fit for you.) I would also remind and check in with my family members, including my young children, to ensure they, too, were scheduling time to exercise or go to the gym.

Eat Simple and Clean

Going from home to work to the hospital made it challenging to find time to cook healthy meals. There are tons of research that supports the vitality of clean, unprocessed food ingredients for optimal brain health. If I were to remain sharp in decision-making, I would have to do whatever I could to give my brain the nutrition it needs to think clearly. Ultra-processed and inflammatory foods would undoubtedly cloud judgment, increase grogginess, and impair my body’s ability to handle stress. Caffeine has the likelihood of increasing anxiety, so I only had low doses of it, no later than noon, so my body could also sleep better. I drank water often, kept quality protein snacks nearby, and reached for veggie meals more often than not. Veggies, Protein, and Complex Carbs were the name of the game. Thankfully, there was an Urbane Cafe near the hospital, and I’d stop by Sprouts on the way home. My stainless steel air fryer made it easier to throw in and pack veggies and other healthy meals as I was getting ready to go to the hospital.

Support from Others

I leaned on my support system all the more: my family, friends, mentors, and church community. I shared what was going on and allowed people to help my family. That looked like a meal train, hugs, prayers, calling on the phone, and quick meetups. My husband and I got to have a few dates where we went out for coffee, walked, and talked by the beach. We were also intentional with each other and our children to give long hugs, which is an excellent co-regulating tool. I stayed connected with my close friends and mentors with texts and calls, especially on hard days at the hospital. They’d text me prayers and comfort when I wasn’t able to get on a call. I also had a few counseling sessions with my Christian therapist to deal with some of the traumatic moments in the hospital.

Calming Techniques

There were times in the hospital that were incredibly tough to bear. My dad had to undergo some risky and invasive procedures to try to save his life. As the primary decision maker, I couldn’t shut down, but had to be completely attuned with what was happening. This meant sometimes being front row to some really painful situations. On one of the hardest days, I witnessed more blood and agony from my dad than I could stomach. I noticed my knees feeling weak, my breathing getting a little shallower, and some light-headedness coming on. I briefly excused myself from the room and did some purposeful breathing exercises and other somatic calming techniques. When I felt myself more grounded, I was able to think more clearly and pray with sober-mindedness. I was then able to quickly return to the hospital room with more clarity and calm.

Expressing Love and Gratitude

After an incredible and inspiring fight against cancer, it became clear that it was still God’s time to bring my father home to heaven. In those weeks of my father’s time in the hospital, my family and I left no stone unturned. We advocated for every need and possibility of help that came to mind. My dad was assured of our love for him as he saw us give so sacrificially of ourselves to give him all the needed help and support. Even as my family was hopeful that God is able to heal if that’s his plan, we remained hopeful in the goodness of what God was doing. We were blessed to share countless “I love yous” and “thank yous” with one another. When my father passed, so much of our family, friends, and church community were so comforting, prayerful, and supportive.

Vocalizing Grief

It’s known in grief counseling that grief tends to hit most after the memorial or funeral is over, when the check-ups by those around you become less frequent. My family gave ourselves a rule: if we miss my dad, just say it. We do that to this day. Anytime we have a sense of longing or missing, we vocalize it. Many people who experienced loss fear that their loved one will be forgotten. So, my family also welcomes sharing stories anytime we think of my dad. Grief doesn’t have to stay focused only on what was lost, but also to fondly hold space for what we love and continue to miss.

Staying Hopeful

It’s strange to feel like time is passing in a world without my dad in it. Yet, because I know that my dad has put his faith in Jesus, he is living in the very Presence of God even as I write this. I can rest confidently that I will spend more than this lifetime with him, too, in heaven. Although each day feels like it’s been that much longer I’ve been apart from my dad, that also means each passing day is one more day closer that I’ll be reunited with him in heaven. That’s the beauty of the hope anyone can have if they believe and trust in Jesus. In light of eternity, missing our believing loved one is momentary. The hope of heaven through Jesus is why I can keep living my life full of hope.

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